Now playing:
Kirby 64 OST - King Dedede's Castle
Outside of a brief outing yesterday, it's been another two days of me staying holed up in my rental,
pacing to and fro as I carefully considered my situation and whether to stay the full time in Mexico
or return to the States to be with my would-be partner. After all, tomorrow afternoon is the
deadline to be able to cancel my reservation for the latter half of the trip and still get a full
refund for my deposit...
HOWEVER!
I've at last reached a decision:
Come late June, it'll be back to the States for me, at least through the next year~
I'm about to pass out as I write this, with all of the energy I've burned getting this sorted out,
but I feel it's important to say that, despite the change in plan, I fully believe this trip down to
Mexico was NOT a mistake or a failure, because:
- I needed to travel here to renew my residency in any case.
- I'll still be in Mexico for over a full month, so I'll get a solid idea of daily life here.
- Odds are good that I'll move back here in the following year or so, if not to another
country—except this time around, I'll (hopefully!) have someone else traveling with me~
- These realizations almost certainly wouldn't have happened had I not come down here.
With this finally sorted out (outside of some minor logistics to be handled tomorrow), and that
lingering nausea from the start of this week cleared up, I can shift gears to exploring the area and
actually enjoying my time here in earnest, heheheh~
Look forward to pictures and more positive anecdotes!
Now playing:
SubaHibi OST - Tractatus Logico Philosophicus
I'm quickly getting over my nausea, but right now, my mind is on my mental illness—or illnesses,
plural, heh.
I don't think it's a secret to anyone who's been following me that I have, among other things, some
flavor of schizophrenia. I don't think it's worth the time to try and argue if it's plain ol'
schizophrenia, or schizoaffective disorder, or maybe schizoid or schizotypal personality disorder,
or whatever other salami-sliced psychological term. For the purposes of this post, the relevant
detail is that I occasionally suffer delusions, especially paranoid delusions.
They used to be quite severe, to the point that I'd genuinely suspect cars were in active pursuit of
me on the road if they followed me for even just a couple of turns. I've gone to great lengths to
get my physical, mental, and emotional health under control since the beginning of the Kyou Era, and
that's worked wonders to tamp down their frequency and intensity. Even still, however, they're very
much a part of my life to this day, and they can still manage to sneak up on me and color my
thoughts, feelings, and behavior without me realizing it.
I'm sure you see where this is going, heh:
Do I actually need to leave the States at all, or is this whole stunt a mere product of paranoid
delusion?
To be sure, I don't think my thought process was unfounded. Things are genuinely getting dire in
the States—particularly if you aren't a cishet WASP, though I expect even a lot of them will end up
suffering—and from everything I'm seeing, the situation is only going to get worse before it gets
better.
At the same time, however, aren't things getting worse everywhere?
We've committed ourselves to a global economic disaster even in the best case scenario. Far-right
political movements (with adherents so delusional they make ME sound sane) are on the rise around
the world. The post-WW2 international order is falling in on itself like an underbaked cake in real
time, and behind it looms the specter of greater and uglier war. And that's making no mention of
how everyone seems to have given up on trying to keep climate change under control, with clean
energy projects being actively shut down and coal usage ramping back up even as CO2 emissions break
records... but I digress, heheh.
With the situation in the States, my thought process was as follows:
- Project 2025, the playbook of the ghouls in power, explicitly seeks to make any kind of
"pornographic" or "obscene" art a crime.
- My art and that of my community absolutely falls within those crosshairs.
- I, being the kingpin and sponsor of the biggest event that's spearheading the growth of this
"obscene" artistic community, would make for an easy and obvious target.
- Eventually, there'll be a turning point where a bunch of people try to flee all at once, and if I
wait until then to make my escape, I'll be Fucked.
Naturally, I don't want to get black-bagged and throw into a prison or "detention center" in god
only knows where, if not extradited to some remote corner of the Earth that's thousands of miles
from anything or anyone I know...
...and yet, is that not what I'm doing to myself right now, by going into voluntary exile in Mexico
without anyone else here to help, support, or accompany me?
Sure, it's not exactly the same, since I still have full autonomy and agency over my actions here
rather than being imprisoned, and can still make my art and run my events, etc. But now that I'm
here and mulling it over, it's hard not to feel like I've sort of done my enemies' work for them by
turning tail and fleeing—doubly so from the angle of "the cruelty is the point," considering the
intense isolation and loneliness I'd be facing if I were to stay here.
My thinking was that, in leaving early, I could keep all of my plans in motion without any fear of
disruption or persecution, and that I could theoretically have a place outside of the country where
people could escape to. At the same time, however, I've gone to a lot of trouble to make sure my
legal identity and such fly well under the radar, and I've made a point to ensure I can trivially
pass as a cishet male WASP as needed. I did both of these things very deliberately to sidestep any
trouble while residing in the States, and to date, they've been effective.
Thus I wonder:
Am I actually in any danger of being found and captured in the States, or am I just being paranoid?
I'm beginning to believe there was more paranoia at play in my decision-making than I'd originally
thought—which is par for the course with my paranoia, since it's often hard for me to notice its
presence until after the fact.
I'm also considering how so very, very many people I know in the States are struggling, including my
would-be partner, and how I could offer much more than mere words, game nights, and the occasional
bank transfer to them were I there in person to support them. Hell, that notion of having a space
where I could let my friends crash and lay low would be much more realistic if they could reach me
with a mere car or bus ticket rather than having to travel across borders—not to mention how buying
property to have a place to shelter my friends would be much easier in a country where I already
have a well-established credit history, heh.
To be honest, it feels like I've done nothing but try to talk myself out of Operation Mexikyou ever
since I landed here. At the same time, though, I was so stressed and exhausted when making all of
the arrangements, and pushing myself so hard to ignore my fears and anxieties, that I wasn't exactly
thinking clearly. But now that I have a quiet moment, everything's coming under close scrutiny...
Now playing:
OFF OST - Flesh Maze Tango
I made some excellent progress today! My legal residency in Mexico was extended for a full three
years, rather than merely two or one like I'd been warned might happen~
One big thing with Mexican residency cards is that you're not required to stay in the country for
any minimum amount of time in order for it to remain valid. I could fly back out to the States
tomorrow and not set foot on Mexican soil again until 2029, and it'd be like I never left, legally
speaking.
And as it so happens, I have something similar on my mind now.
The isolation is a big factor. Being utterly alone in a new country, with only a faltering grasp at
best on the native language, is an intense and intimidating prospect. Even with how independent I
usually am, I'm not sure how well I'd be able to tolerate not having ANYONE I know nearby in the
long term, not to mention how much of an uphill battle it'd be trying to find fellow freaks here.
And sure, I could hang out with some of the self-described "expats" living here, but the idea of
doing that instead of integrating into the local culture leaves a vile, colonial taste in my mouth.
I truly WOULD be an active part of the gentrification problem at that point, and I loathe even to
consider it.
More than that, however, I've been confronted with a very positive personal reason to return to the
States~
The Kyou System has historically been quite defensive when it comes to letting others into our
personal lives. Too many bad experiences with people who'd sooner take out their bad moods on us
than try to communicate healthily has made us wary; our consensus is that we'd sooner stay single
than gamble on someone who shows nontrivial red flags or consistently rubs part of us the wrong way.
Indeed, this mentality has kept us single for a long time now, so much so that I'd almost written
off altogether the possibility of us finding anyone worth keeping around. That assumption, unspoken,
had been baked into the Operation Mexikyou plan from the beginning... and of course, no sooner than
I put the plan into action, the assumption falls apart.
Things are serious enough between me and the person in question that I can't write it off as some
purely online, long-distance mirage. Although we met online, having been part of the same larger
"weirdo outsider artist" communities for years now (even before my game jams), I've since met up
with them in person.
Not only are they very cute physically, but we've just as much mutual chemistry face-to-face as we
do online, if not more so~
I've been speaking very plainly with them as of late, in fact, about taking the next step and trying
to live near / with each other, even if I have to pull the plug on my current plans for it. By all
accounts, they're very interested—but we also both agree it's a big commitment, and not a decision I
should make lightly.
Mercifully, I have some time to think things over: It's not too late to cancel the reservation (and
get a refund on my deposit) for the longest part of my stay.
The question I have to answer now is whether things truly are or will become dire enough in the
States to justify staying here alone in Mexico, even WITH a very promising romantic opportunity
waiting for me back above the border...
Now playing:
Ill-Advised Records - Be Careful, the Sun is Setting...
Finally, after so much time, energy, and planning, I've arrived.
Already I'm reminded of why and how much I enjoyed my first trip down to Mexico. Everyone from the border
agent who checked my documents to the customs agents who examined my luggage have been friendly and patient
with me, especially after I started talking to them in Spanish.
Speaking of which, my Spanish is better than I thought it'd be, even in the aftermath of a long travel day
while running on 4 hours of sleep (with several days of only 5-6 hours of sleep before that)! I've still got
a long way to go before I reach anything near full fluency, to be sure, but I'm happy to say that I'm more or
less conversational~
But let me not be too sanguine here.
The isolation is, in a word, formidable. I know vanishingly few people in Mexico, and none of them reside
anywhere near where I've planned to stay. My last few relocations have been softened in their intensity by
having friends nearby, but I'm completely on my own out here.
In fact, there's a part of me that's worried this whole endeavor might be one huge mistake, and that I should
turn around immediately, aborting my plans and catching the next flight out of the country.
That would be terribly rash, of course: Even if I do abort this operation, I at least want to renew my
residency with the immigration office first. I suspect it's chiefly just my fears and anxiety flaring up
sharply because of the huge new changes, lingering exhaustion, and maybe some slight cold or chill I think I
picked up just before the move.
I've had much more than just this on my mind, however, and want to discuss it very soon, but for now, I should
probably just rest...
Now playing:
OFF OST - Flesh Maze Tango (extended)
What has the Kyou System been up to lately?
In a word, tasks.
Chief among them have been the preparations and planning to relocate to Mexico, including:
- Replacing my old and busted phone with some new hotness that supports both eSIM and
GrapheneOS, then copying my data over
- Making arrangements (e.g. flights, lodging, etc) to travel and stay in one state to renew my
residency card
- Reaching out to my immigration facilitator[1] to prepare the necessary documentation for the
residency renewal
- Making arrangements to move subsequently to a different state for my long-term lease
- Researching the steps I'll need to take to begin building a credit history in Mexico
- Strengthening my Spanish by getting comprehensible input whenever I can
Indeed, I've found that, more than anything, the process of moving to another country is extremely
fucking tedious, doubly so when you're doing it alone. The financials and the psychological
barriers are very difficult obstacles, to be sure—not to mention learning a second language—but
there's something uniquely mind-numbing and isolating about having to piece together and decide upon
every stage of the logistics all by yourself...
But wait, there's more! I've also had to swing by the local state office to replace my driver's
license, update my insurance, and switch around my car registration after moving states recently, in
the off-chance that conditions improve in the States and allow me to return safely. Just earlier
today, I went out to get an eye exam done, as my current glasses are over five years old now and the
blurriness at a distance is starting to become a nuisance. And to top it off, I'll need to do
laundry this weekend.
It's a good thing this rock rolled back down the hill: Now I have something to do!
At the same time, it's certainly not been all bad~ Since the last update, I took a road trip to meet
up with my delightful friends deaddeaddeath,
KillJill, Fisher,
kazehai, Pilot, and a couple others! Although I
did not end up having an opportunity to teach or play backgammon with anyone as promised, I had a
very nice time all the same, heheheh~
Shout out to Jill for finding the letter Y here, which somehow evaded me at length.
Jill made bracelets for everyone! Can you guess which one of these is mine? Heheheh~
Pilot made these adorable acrylic keychain doodads~ Most unfortunately, the Kyou-chan she made for
me (shown here in the bottom right) promptly fell off of my keychain at some point without my
noticing, and I've yet to find it...
One last thing: I'll be working with my friends Guts and
Rom on a submission for the Daydrinking
Jam! One of my short stories, as it turns out, is an ideal
candidate for the types of VNs this jam is looking for, and I'd already been planning on working
with my friends to adapt it to a VN even before this jam was announced, so here we are, heheh.
[1] If you're looking to relocate to Mexico, I highly recommend you use the immigration services of
Saul Garcia! He's been highly professional, quick to reply,
and very friendly throughout all of the time I've worked with him; and with his help, the
appointment I had with the immigration office in Mexico to get my residency card went smooth as silk~
I'll be honest with you: Things have not been easy for the Kyou System as of late. My material condition is stable,
mercifully, but everything about the future in the near, middle, and long term is murky if not concerning outright. The
seasonal depression isn't helping matters, certainly, but there's so much right now that I'd be troubled even if we were
in the dead heat of mid-summer.
Discord and Community Fragmentation
March is no more than a week away now, at the time of this writing. Even if we're generous with Discord's fuzzy
deadline of "early March," there's no way we have more than 2 or 3 weeks before it comes into effect. If Discord shuts
me out, and none of the tricks or glitches to bypass it work, I've no recourse but to leave—and the same will be true
for several of my close friends as well.
Friends and others alike continue to examine and debate the pros and cons of the different alternatives, but I've no
real confidence that a viable winner will emerge from the crowd between now and the deadline. Hell, no one can even
agree on which one is the least bad option, even as a stop-gap. I'm deeply worried that the community will end up
splintering apart, and at such a bad time for it, too.
We need to be as coordinated as we possibly can, in order to combat this dangerous rising trend...
Increasingly Aggressive Surveillance and Censorship
I'm quite sure that the incident last summer wherein the big Western payment processors pressured Itch into delisting
and taking down games during the Toxic Yuri VN Jam was a shot across the bow. I expect we'll encounter yet more stiff
resistance this year, especially since our adversaries are emboldened, the prize pool will be larger, and we're looking
to double down on encouraging people to write about "icky" themes this time.
To be clear, we WILL be running the jam to completion this year in any case~ In fact, the other judges and I have
even discussed the idea of setting up an independent website of some kind if Itch cracks down on us hard enough.
More broadly, however, I'm growing more and more concerned with how omnipresent surveillance tech is becoming here in
the States, doubly so considering how these systems are monitored hypervigilantly by a thousand unblinking eyes of an
army of ML-powered bots. All of this while the Totally Not Secret Police are gunning down innocent civilians without
accountability or justice of any kind, not to mention inflicting Milya only knows what manner of torture and abuse on
those unfortunate souls held in their detention centers—which they've surreptitiously funneled tens of billions of
dollars into buying and constructing yet more of across the country.
They also want to criminalize the very existence of practically anyone who isn't a cishet WASP, and are working
feverishly to build massive databases of information (tied to people's legal IDs) that can be used to determine whether
any given person meets their ever more narrow criteria of acceptability.
And all of this leads into my next concern...
Should I Stay or Should I Go?
No matter what foreign country I end up moving to, the simple fact of the matter is that I'll be very isolated for some
non-trivial amount of time. Granted, most of my friendships are online anyway, and it's not like I won't end up
organically meeting people and making friends as I settle into a routine wherever; but at the same time, the thought of
moving alone to a foreign country without anyone I know nearby is quite intimidating.
The alternative would be to stay here in the States, which would certainly be easier, but I have very low confidence
that I'm going to be safe here for too much longer, in light of the points detailed above. At an abstract level, part
of me argues I should stay and "fight for my country and my community," but that strikes me as hopelessly idealistic,
considering the immense level of technological sophistication and military might at my adversaries' disposal—not to
mention how my would-be community is scattered far all over the country in tiny pockets.
What good would all of my plans, ambitions, and resources do for anyone if I got myself shot and killed in the street?
It's all so much, all at once, and they're all issues that either no one in my community yet has a good answer for
despite us putting our heads together, or are personal matters that I have to decide for myself.
We'll find some way through everything, no doubt; but in the meantime, it feels like I'm having to fight not to
asphyxiate, while all of the air is sucked out of the room...
The wheels of my escape plan are once again in motion: As of today, I've start making actual bookings and reservations
for my one-way return trip to Mexico~
In the interest of good opsec, I won't be posting any specifics about where and when publicly just yet. Once I'm safely
outside of the States, I'll share more details—indeed, one of my biggest motivations for getting this new website set up
was to be able to keep a detailed daily blog after I relocate, heheh.
I will, however, say this much: My plan is to be in Mexico before this year's Toxic Yuri VN Jam begins.
For those of you who don't know, I already have legal residency in Mexico. Part of the chaos that was 2025 for me
comprised navigating all of those bureaucratic hurdles and traveling to the country to obtain it. A retrospective post
about the Kyou System's 2025 is still in the works, in which I'll be explaining how that all played out (and why I've
not yet relocated despite having the residency).
I'm hoping I'll at least be conversational with my Spanish by the time I travel down there—though, even if I'm not, the
total immersion will no doubt help me get there in a hurry, heheheh~