Now playing:
SubaHibi OST - Tractatus Logico Philosophicus
I'm quickly getting over my nausea, but right now, my mind is on my mental illness—or illnesses,
plural, heh.
I don't think it's a secret to anyone who's been following me that I have, among other things, some
flavor of schizophrenia. I don't think it's worth the time to try and argue if it's plain ol'
schizophrenia, or schizoaffective disorder, or maybe schizoid or schizotypal personality disorder,
or whatever other salami-sliced psychological term. For the purposes of this post, the relevant
detail is that I occasionally suffer delusions, especially paranoid delusions.
They used to be quite severe, to the point that I'd genuinely suspect cars were in active pursuit of
me on the road if they followed me for even just a couple of turns. I've gone to great lengths to
get my physical, mental, and emotional health under control since the beginning of the Kyou Era, and
that's worked wonders to tamp down their frequency and intensity. Even still, however, they're very
much a part of my life to this day, and they can still manage to sneak up on me and color my
thoughts, feelings, and behavior without me realizing it.
I'm sure you see where this is going, heh:
Do I actually need to leave the States at all, or is this whole stunt a mere product of paranoid
delusion?
To be sure, I don't think my thought process was unfounded. Things are genuinely getting dire in
the States—particularly if you aren't a cishet WASP, though I expect even a lot of them will end up
suffering—and from everything I'm seeing, the situation is only going to get worse before it gets
better.
At the same time, however, aren't things getting worse everywhere?
We've committed ourselves to a global economic disaster even in the best case scenario. Far-right
political movements (with adherents so delusional they make ME sound sane) are on the rise around
the world. The post-WW2 international order is falling in on itself like an underbaked cake in real
time, and behind it looms the specter of greater and uglier war. And that's making no mention of
how everyone seems to have given up on trying to keep climate change under control, with clean
energy projects being actively shut down and coal usage ramping back up even as CO2 emissions break
records... but I digress, heheh.
With the situation in the States, my thought process was as follows:
- Project 2025, the playbook of the ghouls in power, explicitly seeks to make any kind of
"pornographic" or "obscene" art a crime.
- My art and that of my community absolutely falls within those crosshairs.
- I, being the kingpin and sponsor of the biggest event that's spearheading the growth of this
"obscene" artistic community, would make for an easy and obvious target.
- Eventually, there'll be a turning point where a bunch of people try to flee all at once, and if I
wait until then to make my escape, I'll be Fucked.
Naturally, I don't want to get black-bagged and throw into a prison or "detention center" in god
only knows where, if not extradited to some remote corner of the Earth that's thousands of miles
from anything or anyone I know...
...and yet, is that not what I'm doing to myself right now, by going into voluntary exile in Mexico
without anyone else here to help, support, or accompany me?
Sure, it's not exactly the same, since I still have full autonomy and agency over my actions here
rather than being imprisoned, and can still make my art and run my events, etc. But now that I'm
here and mulling it over, it's hard not to feel like I've sort of done my enemies' work for them by
turning tail and fleeing—doubly so from the angle of "the cruelty is the point," considering the
intense isolation and loneliness I'd be facing if I were to stay here.
My thinking was that, in leaving early, I could keep all of my plans in motion without any fear of
disruption or persecution, and that I could theoretically have a place outside of the country where
people could escape to. At the same time, however, I've gone to a lot of trouble to make sure my
legal identity and such fly well under the radar, and I've made a point to ensure I can trivially
pass as a cishet male WASP as needed. I did both of these things very deliberately to sidestep any
trouble while residing in the States, and to date, they've been effective.
Thus I wonder:
Am I actually in any danger of being found and captured in the States, or am I just being paranoid?
I'm beginning to believe there was more paranoia at play in my decision-making than I'd originally
thought—which is par for the course with my paranoia, since it's often hard for me to notice its
presence until after the fact.
I'm also considering how so very, very many people I know in the States are struggling, including my
would-be partner, and how I could offer much more than mere words, game nights, and the occasional
bank transfer to them were I there in person to support them. Hell, that notion of having a space
where I could let my friends crash and lay low would be much more realistic if they could reach me
with a mere car or bus ticket rather than having to travel across borders—not to mention how buying
property to have a place to shelter my friends would be much easier in a country where I already
have a well-established credit history, heh.
To be honest, it feels like I've done nothing but try to talk myself out of Operation Mexikyou ever
since I landed here. At the same time, though, I was so stressed and exhausted when making all of
the arrangements, and pushing myself so hard to ignore my fears and anxieties, that I wasn't exactly
thinking clearly. But now that I have a quiet moment, everything's coming under close scrutiny...
Now playing:
Ill-Advised Records - Be Careful, the Sun is Setting...
Finally, after so much time, energy, and planning, I've arrived.
Already I'm reminded of why and how much I enjoyed my first trip down to Mexico. Everyone from the border
agent who checked my documents to the customs agents who examined my luggage have been friendly and patient
with me, especially after I started talking to them in Spanish.
Speaking of which, my Spanish is better than I thought it'd be, even in the aftermath of a long travel day
while running on 4 hours of sleep (with several days of only 5-6 hours of sleep before that)! I've still got
a long way to go before I reach anything near full fluency, to be sure, but I'm happy to say that I'm more or
less conversational~
But let me not be too sanguine here.
The isolation is, in a word, formidable. I know vanishingly few people in Mexico, and none of them reside
anywhere near where I've planned to stay. My last few relocations have been softened in their intensity by
having friends nearby, but I'm completely on my own out here.
In fact, there's a part of me that's worried this whole endeavor might be one huge mistake, and that I should
turn around immediately, aborting my plans and catching the next flight out of the country.
That would be terribly rash, of course: Even if I do abort this operation, I at least want to renew my
residency with the immigration office first. I suspect it's chiefly just my fears and anxiety flaring up
sharply because of the huge new changes, lingering exhaustion, and maybe some slight cold or chill I think I
picked up just before the move.
I've had much more than just this on my mind, however, and want to discuss it very soon, but for now, I should
probably just rest...
Earlier today, I put together a brief write-up for a friend about how to get started with proper self-care, as well as
how to fight against self-loathing. Since I expect others might find it helpful, I've reproduced it below. Take care
of yourself~
- Eat 3 real, substantial meals every day.
- Drink at least 8 full cups of water every day.
- Aim to get 7-8 hours of sleep a night.
- Get some minimum level of light exercise (e.g. walking around for 20-30 minutes a day).
And most importantly:
FIGHT YOUR CRITICAL INNER VOICE TOOTH AND NAIL!
Seriously, don't give it even a centimeter of slack!
Every time that nasty little voice tries to talk down to you, telling you you're bad or pathetic or not worthy,
suggesting that your friends don't actually care about you, there's only one thing to do:
TELL IT TO FUCK OFF!
Make it shut up by thinking loudly over it!
Mentally shout obscenities back at it!
Do whatever you have to do to make it stop undermining your self-love and self-worth!
And as your mental fortitude grows, you can even go toe to toe with it, dismantling its weak, illusory arguments brick
by brick!
Also, if you struggle with insomnia keeping you from sleeping:
- Add blue light filters to all of your devices that activate in the evening.
- Stop using all devices for at least an hour before bedtime.
- CBD gummies can help you fall asleep, and exercising in the day will help you stay asleep.
It's a painfully slow process, and sometimes it'll feel like you're not getting anywhere with it at all—or are actively moving backwards with it, even.
Just remember: Perseverance is power~
If you keep fighting it, I know you'll overcome it~
Everyone believes in you, heheheh~ 🖤🤍
I'll be honest with you: Things have not been easy for the Kyou System as of late. My material condition is stable,
mercifully, but everything about the future in the near, middle, and long term is murky if not concerning outright. The
seasonal depression isn't helping matters, certainly, but there's so much right now that I'd be troubled even if we were
in the dead heat of mid-summer.
Discord and Community Fragmentation
March is no more than a week away now, at the time of this writing. Even if we're generous with Discord's fuzzy
deadline of "early March," there's no way we have more than 2 or 3 weeks before it comes into effect. If Discord shuts
me out, and none of the tricks or glitches to bypass it work, I've no recourse but to leave—and the same will be true
for several of my close friends as well.
Friends and others alike continue to examine and debate the pros and cons of the different alternatives, but I've no
real confidence that a viable winner will emerge from the crowd between now and the deadline. Hell, no one can even
agree on which one is the least bad option, even as a stop-gap. I'm deeply worried that the community will end up
splintering apart, and at such a bad time for it, too.
We need to be as coordinated as we possibly can, in order to combat this dangerous rising trend...
Increasingly Aggressive Surveillance and Censorship
I'm quite sure that the incident last summer wherein the big Western payment processors pressured Itch into delisting
and taking down games during the Toxic Yuri VN Jam was a shot across the bow. I expect we'll encounter yet more stiff
resistance this year, especially since our adversaries are emboldened, the prize pool will be larger, and we're looking
to double down on encouraging people to write about "icky" themes this time.
To be clear, we WILL be running the jam to completion this year in any case~ In fact, the other judges and I have
even discussed the idea of setting up an independent website of some kind if Itch cracks down on us hard enough.
More broadly, however, I'm growing more and more concerned with how omnipresent surveillance tech is becoming here in
the States, doubly so considering how these systems are monitored hypervigilantly by a thousand unblinking eyes of an
army of ML-powered bots. All of this while the Totally Not Secret Police are gunning down innocent civilians without
accountability or justice of any kind, not to mention inflicting Milya only knows what manner of torture and abuse on
those unfortunate souls held in their detention centers—which they've surreptitiously funneled tens of billions of
dollars into buying and constructing yet more of across the country.
They also want to criminalize the very existence of practically anyone who isn't a cishet WASP, and are working
feverishly to build massive databases of information (tied to people's legal IDs) that can be used to determine whether
any given person meets their ever more narrow criteria of acceptability.
And all of this leads into my next concern...
Should I Stay or Should I Go?
No matter what foreign country I end up moving to, the simple fact of the matter is that I'll be very isolated for some
non-trivial amount of time. Granted, most of my friendships are online anyway, and it's not like I won't end up
organically meeting people and making friends as I settle into a routine wherever; but at the same time, the thought of
moving alone to a foreign country without anyone I know nearby is quite intimidating.
The alternative would be to stay here in the States, which would certainly be easier, but I have very low confidence
that I'm going to be safe here for too much longer, in light of the points detailed above. At an abstract level, part
of me argues I should stay and "fight for my country and my community," but that strikes me as hopelessly idealistic,
considering the immense level of technological sophistication and military might at my adversaries' disposal—not to
mention how my would-be community is scattered far all over the country in tiny pockets.
What good would all of my plans, ambitions, and resources do for anyone if I got myself shot and killed in the street?
It's all so much, all at once, and they're all issues that either no one in my community yet has a good answer for
despite us putting our heads together, or are personal matters that I have to decide for myself.
We'll find some way through everything, no doubt; but in the meantime, it feels like I'm having to fight not to
asphyxiate, while all of the air is sucked out of the room...
I keep finding myself writing these blog posts in the dead of night, right before I go to bed. I've been so preoccupied
with working on the website during the day that I end up putting these off...!
Even though I'm tired, however, I want to say two things:
- Apparently, this website template supported adding comment sections to posts? I might experiment with it later on,
though I might also take a similar approach to deaddeaddeath's website and have
links to off-site comment boxes for my games or other pages of interest.
- As ever, my seasonal depression brings out the worst in me. As happy as I am when I see my friends and fellow
artists receiving tons of praise, attention, and glowing comments about their work, some insecure part of my mind,
inflamed by Winter's touch, sulks with envy: "Oh, so we get barely so much as a trickle of views on any of our stuff
even on release, while they all get thousands of downloads and dozens of comments about how these games changed the
commenter's whole personality, cleared up their acne, opened their third eye, and made them curl up on the floor
while crying and vomiting profusely for hours? Are all of our games just complete shit by comparison or something?"
Expanding on the second point there, obviously I recognize that comparing my games to those of my friends is like
comparing apples and oranges. We're clearly telling very different types of stories, and a great deal of my work is as
strange and inscrutable as anything else about me, while their games are vastly more grounded in reality (and thus
vastly more accessible, say, to the average Itch.io commenter). And in a community of predominantly queer and trans
folks, it's to be expected that the stories centered on widely shared queer and trans experiences will get far more
attention and acclaim than the Kyou System's opaque attempts to recreate the more lurid images of their nightmares.
I also have to consider that a huge proportion of the traffic going to their games, especially on Itch, comes from their
games both featuring and being tagged as containing adult content. This fact also helps to account for the difference
in the number of comments, since a significant fraction of them appear to come from people who stumbled across these
titles while looking to masturbate and ended up getting blindsided by the emotional depth of the storytelling and
characters. Meanwhile, I haven't released any sex games yet, so I don't see any of that traffic, which necessarily
means my work will systematically receive less attention on Itch.
Not that it really matters all that much at the end of the day. These intrusive flare-ups of insecurity aside, I love
the work I've been doing on my projects; and even if my games are never included alongside those of my peers in the
"Awesome Games / VNs You Gotta Play Right Now" recommendation posts, I'm going to keep making them anyway, heheheh~
And I truly am delighted that my friends' works are getting so much praise! In all honesty, they deserve every last bit
of it: They've all improved so much as artists even just in the time that I've known them, and they've been releasing
some truly excellent VNs lately! The gratification of my ego is infinitely less important than the fact that the
community is growing and everyone is supporting each other as we express ourselves together~