Now playing:
OFF OST - Flesh Maze Tango
I made some excellent progress today! My legal residency in Mexico was extended for a full three
years, rather than merely two or one like I'd been warned might happen~
One big thing with Mexican residency cards is that you're not required to stay in the country for
any minimum amount of time in order for it to remain valid. I could fly back out to the States
tomorrow and not set foot on Mexican soil again until 2029, and it'd be like I never left, legally
speaking.
And as it so happens, I have something similar on my mind now.
The isolation is a big factor. Being utterly alone in a new country, with only a faltering grasp at
best on the native language, is an intense and intimidating prospect. Even with how independent I
usually am, I'm not sure how well I'd be able to tolerate not having ANYONE I know nearby in the
long term, not to mention how much of an uphill battle it'd be trying to find fellow freaks here.
And sure, I could hang out with some of the self-described "expats" living here, but the idea of
doing that instead of integrating into the local culture leaves a vile, colonial taste in my mouth.
I truly WOULD be an active part of the gentrification problem at that point, and I loathe even to
consider it.
More than that, however, I've been confronted with a very positive personal reason to return to the
States~
The Kyou System has historically been quite defensive when it comes to letting others into our
personal lives. Too many bad experiences with people who'd sooner take out their bad moods on us
than try to communicate healthily has made us wary; our consensus is that we'd sooner stay single
than gamble on someone who shows nontrivial red flags or consistently rubs part of us the wrong way.
Indeed, this mentality has kept us single for a long time now, so much so that I'd almost written
off altogether the possibility of us finding anyone worth keeping around. That assumption, unspoken,
had been baked into the Operation Mexikyou plan from the beginning... and of course, no sooner than
I put the plan into action, the assumption falls apart.
Things are serious enough between me and the person in question that I can't write it off as some
purely online, long-distance mirage. Although we met online, having been part of the same larger
"weirdo outsider artist" communities for years now (even before my game jams), I've since met up
with them in person.
Not only are they very cute physically, but we've just as much mutual chemistry face-to-face as we
do online, if not more so~
I've been speaking very plainly with them as of late, in fact, about taking the next step and trying
to live near / with each other, even if I have to pull the plug on my current plans for it. By all
accounts, they're very interested—but we also both agree it's a big commitment, and not a decision I
should make lightly.
Mercifully, I have some time to think things over: It's not too late to cancel the reservation (and
get a refund on my deposit) for the longest part of my stay.
The question I have to answer now is whether things truly are or will become dire enough in the
States to justify staying here alone in Mexico, even WITH a very promising romantic opportunity
waiting for me back above the border...
Now playing:
Ill-Advised Records - Be Careful, the Sun is Setting...
Finally, after so much time, energy, and planning, I've arrived.
Already I'm reminded of why and how much I enjoyed my first trip down to Mexico. Everyone from the border
agent who checked my documents to the customs agents who examined my luggage have been friendly and patient
with me, especially after I started talking to them in Spanish.
Speaking of which, my Spanish is better than I thought it'd be, even in the aftermath of a long travel day
while running on 4 hours of sleep (with several days of only 5-6 hours of sleep before that)! I've still got
a long way to go before I reach anything near full fluency, to be sure, but I'm happy to say that I'm more or
less conversational~
But let me not be too sanguine here.
The isolation is, in a word, formidable. I know vanishingly few people in Mexico, and none of them reside
anywhere near where I've planned to stay. My last few relocations have been softened in their intensity by
having friends nearby, but I'm completely on my own out here.
In fact, there's a part of me that's worried this whole endeavor might be one huge mistake, and that I should
turn around immediately, aborting my plans and catching the next flight out of the country.
That would be terribly rash, of course: Even if I do abort this operation, I at least want to renew my
residency with the immigration office first. I suspect it's chiefly just my fears and anxiety flaring up
sharply because of the huge new changes, lingering exhaustion, and maybe some slight cold or chill I think I
picked up just before the move.
I've had much more than just this on my mind, however, and want to discuss it very soon, but for now, I should
probably just rest...
Now playing:
Little Goody Two Shoes - Ceramic Grove of Wheat
On paper, everything should be perfect right now.
Earlier today, I finished drafting out the script for my Daydrinking
Jam VN and sent it to my teammates. I'll get to meet up with
one of them—my cute artist friend—in person for the first time within the next week, both to sketch
out ideas together AND to attend a live concert together with other friends for a band I love. For
that matter, winter has finally ended, and my seasonal depression has begun to clear up.
What else?
- I've started chatting regularly with another schizo system I've been around for some
time now, and already we've had strikingly good chemistry.
- My workout routine is bearing great fruit, with me being strong enough to move as much weight as I
ever have, while I'm also rapidly dropping body fat.
- All of my relocation plans are lined up, with me not needing to do anything more now beyond
showing up at the right places at the right times.
- The community around my jams is flourishing, and it's looking very likely that this year's Toxic
Yuri VN Jam will decisively trounce Spooktober, my biggest rival in the jam space.
Things are looking great across the board, really... and yet, I'm haunted by dread. Indeed, I'm
writing this at nearly a quarter past 2 AM because I knew that I wouldn't be able to sleep if I
simply tried to lay down.
So then, what's on my mind?
Around a year or so ago now, I received something like a vision or a premonition. This isn't
anything out of the ordinary, mind you, but just the latest iteration of the flashes of vaguely
clairvoyant insight I get from time to time (because I'm descended from psychics and I'm favored by
my tutelary deity of fate and fortune, etc etc).
As usual, it wasn't anything so clear as a written prediction or some rigidity detailed sequence of
events, but rather a vivid mental and emotional impression of what the end result will be, along
with a through-line that traces through everything which will have led up to it, and which
underscores what will come to pass as a result.
Part and parcel with these premonitions is this sort of spiritual compass readout I get that loosely
steers me in one direction or another, pointing me towards the duties I need to execute—my
"purpose," as some might call it, or perhaps my "fate"—and away from paths and activities
characterized by what I call "definite wrongness," which can range among everything from
self-destructive behavior to a nontrivial misallocation of time, energy, and resources that
should've been diverted elsewhere for something far more meaningful, etc.
Unlike all of the previous premonitions, however, this one has been extremely potent, persistently
flashing more and more red warning lights at me as time goes on despite my initial doubts about the
severity and scale of the ugly picture it's painted for me.
With this premonition, my compass has been pointing me in one direction:
Away.
But it's not so simple as just moving out of the country. No, more than that, I need to manage my
resources far more carefully than I have been in the face of a looming economic catastrophe, lest I
end up in a vastly weaker position financially and end up struggling to support my community and the
underlying currents of genuine creativity and artistic passion therein through my game jams—an
important duty of mine that I mustn't neglect.
Thus I've been desperately gathering any materially useful information and intel from wherever I've
been fortunate enough to find it, scrambling to prepare myself from the storm of definite wrongness
that gathering on the horizon at a scale so intense and so beyond anything I've seen that it
frightens me.
By the time I'm writing this—nearly 3 AM now—I've made most of the changes and adjustments that I
can to harden my position. You can rest assured, my dear reader, that I'm solidly positioned to
continue my game jams and the like through the next few years, come hell or high water~ All the
same, things look bleak, and my sphere of control is ultimately a tiny, pitiful thing.
Amidst all of my good fortune—for which I am endlessly grateful—I've been worried dearly for the
future, for the safety and well-being of those I love, and for what might become of the ideals I've
fought so desperately to embody, defend, and encourage in others.
After all, I might have a ghostly image in my mind about what's to come, but I certainly don't know
exactly what will happen, exactly when it will happen, or exactly how it will happen. It's all in
broad strokes, since ultimately, the future is not set in stone, and a degree of noise and
randomness permeates everything.
Nevertheless, I'm doing everything I can to appreciate and show gratitude for the fruits of my
fortune and labor, and not to let the dread paralyze me, hence why I'm still joining game jams,
still taking road trips, still making plans to go to concerts with my friends, etc.
No matter what the future may hold, and no matter where we end up, we must keep living.