The Impermanence of Belonging

Thrashing clawing drowning pulling myself up above the surface. Black swamp between my fingers squeezing slime slick squish squick squeamish lungs screaming for air up up upward let me out let me OUT

Thrashing clawing drowning pulling myself up above the surface.

Black swamp between my fingers squeezing slime slick squish squick squeamish lungs screaming for air up up upward let me out let me OUT

Scrambling scrabbling scratching the ground away from the bog dirt under my nails against my lips in gratitude tears making mud now World out of focus out of time feeling out of place out of alignment looking around at colors serene and sights strange A vast verdant vindswept vale lay before me—a mighty space it is!

Scrambling scrabbling scratching the ground away from the bog dirt under my nails against my lips in gratitude tears making mud now

World out of focus out of time feeling out of place out of alignment looking around at colors serene and sights strange

A vast verdant vindswept vale lay before me—a mighty space it is!

I walk. There is nothing. I walk. The trees are black, the rain is white, the sky is ash. I walk. Her laugh is in the air, her breath against my ear, her finger against my spine. I walk. I come across a sudden clearing, and there she is. I walk. She smiles the kindest, most gentle smile I've ever seen, and offers her hand to me. I walk. There is nothing.

I walk. There is nothing.
I walk. The trees are black, the rain is white, the sky is ash.
I walk. Her laugh is in the air, her breath against my ear, her finger against my spine.
I walk. I come across a sudden clearing, and there she is.
I walk. She smiles the kindest, most gentle smile I've ever seen, and offers her hand to me.
I walk. There is nothing.

Is there anything in this place, or rather, was there ever anything anywhere to begin with, not that that's something that can actually be asked should there be any anticipation of receiving a meaningful answer in any sense of the word, but can meaning even be said to have any meaning left that's not something that I think I can answer or indeed that anything or anyone or anywhere can provide provide provide direction to me if you would I'm feeling rather disoriented at this point in light of all of this dissociation is a form of detachment from oneself and reality as we know it is not altogether dissimilar from a dream in the mind's eye of God is good or so we tell ourselves but the infallibility of God is fallible in the same way that mathematics the language of God is fundamentally incomplete in a reliably provable way.

Is there anything in this place, or rather, was there ever anything anywhere to begin with, not that that's something that can actually be asked should there be any anticipation of receiving a meaningful answer in any sense of the word, but can meaning even be said to have any meaning left that's not something that I think I can answer or indeed that anything or anyone or anywhere can provide provide provide direction to me if you would I'm feeling rather disoriented at this point in light of all of this dissociation is a form of detachment from oneself and reality as we know it is not altogether dissimilar from a dream in the mind's eye of God is good or so we tell ourselves but the infallibility of God is fallible in the same way that mathematics the language of God is fundamentally incomplete in a reliably provable way.

She is here with me now once again. Her hand brushes my cheek, and an indescribable warmth spreads into me. I move to embrace her, but pass through her like smoke; but she materializes and holds me so tightly so so tightly from behind her face against my back a hot puddle of tears growing. I miss you. Oh, how I so, so dearly miss you...

She is here with me now once again.
Her hand brushes my cheek, and an indescribable warmth spreads into me.
I move to embrace her, but pass through her like smoke; but she materializes and holds me so tightly so so tightly from behind her face against my back a hot puddle of tears growing.
I miss you.
Oh, how I so, so dearly miss you...

Written 22 September 2022
Credit to Danielle Keller for the visuals.